bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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