I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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