Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
