we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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