so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
