apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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