I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
