finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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