tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think your dad took our porno
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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