I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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