if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
