I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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