It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
