Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
