yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
