There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
