Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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