my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
