I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
