i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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