I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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