i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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