He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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