Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
