my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
