ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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