just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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