Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
