just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
they're like a gay fantastic four
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
