So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
