my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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