I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
