Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
