he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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