Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize