YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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