i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
