I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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