i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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