Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
