I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Randomize
