im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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