you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
