i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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