does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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