so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
