I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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