we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
