This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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