im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
