if i can run in heels then i can drive
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Let's paint friendship bongs
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
