Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
