I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
