i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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