so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
