4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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