I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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