So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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