Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
