if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Green mimosas i think yes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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