i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
