the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
