the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize