What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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