I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
