take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
