and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
